Sunday, June 22, 2008
I haven't posted here in awhile, partly because the idea of having to sort through all my recent experiences and decide which ones to share and how to present them has just exhausted me, but I had two cups of coffee this afternoon and I know I'm going to be awake for awhile, so I may as well give it a shot.
I tried, darlings. I tried and tried and tried and tried and tried, but I simply could not conceive you. Should I have let you try to grow in a womb in India? Did I have an obligation to find a better home for you, despite facing even deeper debt? It's irrelevant now. You're not there. The doctor gave me images of you as blastocysts, blobs of cytoplasm and indefinable structures. It seems cruel to have photographic proof that you once existed, something I'll put in a file and will happen upon in six months or a year, and will flatten me like an express train.
Now I have no idea what my next move will be. I have to keep taking medication and injecting myself in an almost completely pointless exercise until another pregnancy test Tuesday just to make sure I'm still negative, an order from the doctor that feels like another way to rub my failure in my face. On the up side, Mom did give me a hundred bucks. The best thing I can do is be patient with myself.
I tried, darlings. I tried and tried and tried and tried and tried, but I simply could not conceive you. Should I have let you try to grow in a womb in India? Did I have an obligation to find a better home for you, despite facing even deeper debt? It's irrelevant now. You're not there. The doctor gave me images of you as blastocysts, blobs of cytoplasm and indefinable structures. It seems cruel to have photographic proof that you once existed, something I'll put in a file and will happen upon in six months or a year, and will flatten me like an express train.
Now I have no idea what my next move will be. I have to keep taking medication and injecting myself in an almost completely pointless exercise until another pregnancy test Tuesday just to make sure I'm still negative, an order from the doctor that feels like another way to rub my failure in my face. On the up side, Mom did give me a hundred bucks. The best thing I can do is be patient with myself.
