Thursday, December 11, 2008
I’ve ignored every year the fact that my father is going to drive home drunk from whatever holiday function he goes to, because I can’t figure out what to do about it. He won’t let his wife drive home. He refuses rides. If someone takes away his keys, he rages, kicks garbage pails and tries to slug guys a third his age (see the party of July 4, 2005), shouts insults (see the wedding of October 2008 and, oh yeah, my wedding) and generally acts like a 3-year-old.
I think the drinking is accelerating some mental decline, or causing it. He’s gotten incredibly weird, even for him. At the October wedding, I watched him sneak away to the bar all night. As we left, the last ones to go (I was trailing him with the idea of taking away his keys), he grabbed half-empty drinks off tables and sucked them down. He picked up one cocktail glass that had been left outside on a sidewalk and was covered in ants. He peered at it and put it down. The valet brought his car, Big Big Man got into the front seat to drive and Dad pitched a fit. But the keys were still in the ignition, and with surprising reflexes, he reached in and grabbed them. Then we gave up, because there was no way we were getting those keys back without a fight, and I was terrified the bridal party would sweep out into the waiting limo parked a few feet away and the bride’s last glimpse of her reception would be of a drunken, raging relative -- or worse, he’d get in her face. We drove in our separate cars out to the road, where he pulled over and wouldn’t start driving until we were out of sight, no doubt because he didn’t want us to tail him or know where he was going so we couldn’t call the police on him.
Should I have done more then? Probably. Should I have faced this whole problem a long time ago? Yes.
For Christmas, I’m not expecting much better behavior. He’ll be at my cousin’s. I don’t have Christmas at my house. If I did, it would be dry, as all my family gatherings have been since we moved into this house because of my father. So there’s the question of what I’m obliged to do when I’m not the host. I can guarantee that my cousin doesn’t want a confrontation with flashing lights, peering neighbors and someone hauled off in handcuffs.
I tried calling my employer’s Employee Assistance Program hotline. I didn’t get many ideas. The therapist told me that I could give Dad ultimatums, but they would all go out the window once he started drinking, and I knew he would drink. He suggested I call the police for assistance. I spoke to an officer who said calling the cops would be the right thing, but there was no guarantee they could find his car after he left.
I still have no solution. It’s frustrating. I would have loved to resolve this through a series of phone calls, like a scheduling conflict with Little Big Man’s doctors.
The one factor I haven’t explored is Dad himself. I could try having a conversation with him about all this, but I wouldn’t expect it to go well. He doesn’t think anything’s wrong. He thinks he should drive no matter how much he’s drunk, and he won’t even acknowledge having drunk anything, anyway. I’d love to think that I could demand he stay dry at the party or I won't show up, but that wouldn’t work with him. I’m going to go to an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow and see if anyone has any suggestions.
I think the drinking is accelerating some mental decline, or causing it. He’s gotten incredibly weird, even for him. At the October wedding, I watched him sneak away to the bar all night. As we left, the last ones to go (I was trailing him with the idea of taking away his keys), he grabbed half-empty drinks off tables and sucked them down. He picked up one cocktail glass that had been left outside on a sidewalk and was covered in ants. He peered at it and put it down. The valet brought his car, Big Big Man got into the front seat to drive and Dad pitched a fit. But the keys were still in the ignition, and with surprising reflexes, he reached in and grabbed them. Then we gave up, because there was no way we were getting those keys back without a fight, and I was terrified the bridal party would sweep out into the waiting limo parked a few feet away and the bride’s last glimpse of her reception would be of a drunken, raging relative -- or worse, he’d get in her face. We drove in our separate cars out to the road, where he pulled over and wouldn’t start driving until we were out of sight, no doubt because he didn’t want us to tail him or know where he was going so we couldn’t call the police on him.
Should I have done more then? Probably. Should I have faced this whole problem a long time ago? Yes.
For Christmas, I’m not expecting much better behavior. He’ll be at my cousin’s. I don’t have Christmas at my house. If I did, it would be dry, as all my family gatherings have been since we moved into this house because of my father. So there’s the question of what I’m obliged to do when I’m not the host. I can guarantee that my cousin doesn’t want a confrontation with flashing lights, peering neighbors and someone hauled off in handcuffs.
I tried calling my employer’s Employee Assistance Program hotline. I didn’t get many ideas. The therapist told me that I could give Dad ultimatums, but they would all go out the window once he started drinking, and I knew he would drink. He suggested I call the police for assistance. I spoke to an officer who said calling the cops would be the right thing, but there was no guarantee they could find his car after he left.
I still have no solution. It’s frustrating. I would have loved to resolve this through a series of phone calls, like a scheduling conflict with Little Big Man’s doctors.
The one factor I haven’t explored is Dad himself. I could try having a conversation with him about all this, but I wouldn’t expect it to go well. He doesn’t think anything’s wrong. He thinks he should drive no matter how much he’s drunk, and he won’t even acknowledge having drunk anything, anyway. I’d love to think that I could demand he stay dry at the party or I won't show up, but that wouldn’t work with him. I’m going to go to an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow and see if anyone has any suggestions.
